And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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