You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
