Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
