Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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