Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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