I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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