i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
