i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize