Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
