I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
