I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
