Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think I just sharted jello shots
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
