I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
