I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
its liver damage thursday
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
