I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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