jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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