I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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