I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm experimenting with sincerity
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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