there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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