I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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