I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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