if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How does it feel to date your dad?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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