I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize