Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
