Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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