Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
