Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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