just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
