you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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