Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
