did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize