We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
