Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
