Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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