I feel like abortions should bother me more
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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