weddingsv make me drug and hornr
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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