it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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