my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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