i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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