I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
