so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
