I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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