Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
