Your mouth is God's brothel.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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