areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
