remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
