God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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