He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
