Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
