i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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