I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize