I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
