So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
