girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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