I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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