My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
