A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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