my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
