Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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